More bugs and bed lebods

Durban — How bady bed lebods cad you take safely?

That’s the sound from the couch this week, when it can manage to string any words together. The hounds have been kicked off as the human battles a dreaded lurgy.

It’s been a miserable place, so please don’t expect frothy wit; we’re fresh out. I’m irritated by them trying to share the sick-couch and they’re miffed at having to retreat to the human-free seating.

Apart from the small one sleeping on top of my head and the large one keeping frozen feet warm. They grumble when they are disturbed by the constant reaching over for yet another tissue. Eurgh.

Who knew noses had unlimited capacity?

Bugs, bruh. If they’re not in the pillows, they’re whizzing around in the air looking for new homes.

You’d think they would be touring more target-rich spots like offices and shops and gyms and such, not single-human-occupant isolationist homes.

Somehow, one snuck in and gave me man-flu. That’s the one where you don’t actually have the Flu, just a bad Common Cold that makes you feel sick as a dog. Or man.

I blame the gallivanting kids. They have – like the normal people they are – been out and about and both have recently been coughing and spluttering and taken to their beds.

They took care to speak to me with their mouths covered and from the other side of the room, but it was probably inevitable their nasty invaders would look for a new host.

What is more annoying is the fact that it struck soon after a new, healthier regime had been embarked on. Learning from colleagues of the longevity and nastiness of the current version of the flu doing the rounds, prophylactic steps were taken. Strong vitamin C, immunity boosters and nutrient-rich superfoods were consumed.

We even did something no self-respecting tree-owning citizen would do: buy avos when the tree is not fruiting. Admittedly, they have been wonderful on toast, but have had no effect on warding off the Bug.

One exciting feature of the misadventure: feeling cold. Menopause, which hit a few years ago, seriously messed up the inner thermostat and anything above 21ºC is hot. Jerseys, tracksuit pants and warm jammies were tossed because they weren’t required.

Thankfully the blanket currently under construction has supplied wide woolly panels to use as shawls and scarves and little lap blankies. It’s possible I have knitted too many and will only be able to connect some of them before the creation gets to be a double king-size. Oh well, a few more and we can cobble two blankets together.

They can also be rotated through the washing cycle to get rid of those creepy bed bugs the couch science research council revealed last week.

We’re inviting a new member to join that council: Sandy, who had already found a solution other than spending money on replacements every two years.

Sandy said: “Regarding the dust mites and other such mites: I have a shelf reserved in my freezer for exactly such things.

“I put one pillow in the freezer (with icy air all around) for a week, after a week I take it out and put in another for a week. First one goes out into the sunshine and back into service. That way all creatures disappear, and I am sure nothing is left in our pillows. Been doing this for years. Saves on the shopping lists too.”

What a good idea: it might take a while to implement here. First we have to brace ourselves and eat some of the “frozen failures” from one of the shelves to clear a space.

Wonder if there is any healthy chicken soup lurking in the back to supplement the bed lebods?

Independent on Saturday