Supporting your child after failing matric: a guide for parents
Failing matric can be a devastating experience for both the child and their family.
However, parents must approach the situation with understanding, support and a constructive mindset. And please, don’t concern yourself with anyone else’s comments but your child’s.
With the right interventions, many children can recover from this setback and go on to achieve great success. This is especially so in a world that is creating a multitude of new career opportunities for youngsters.
Experts have suggested holding space for your child to express grief and the multitude of emotions that come with that 'F word' – failure. It can feel devastating but, through rephrasing, it can be an exciting opportunity to grow and thrive - it’s 202(thrive) in any event.
Several experts offer some advice below:
Emotional support and communication: Psychologists emphasise the importance of creating a supportive environment where your child feels safe to express their emotions.
Failing matric often leads to feelings of shame, anxiety and hopelessness.
Parents should: Avoid assigning blame or expressing disappointment, as this can deepen the child’s emotional distress.
Listen actively to their child’s feelings and validate their emotions without judgment.
Offer reassurance that failure does not define their future and that solutions exist.
Research in resilience-building suggests that a child’s ability to overcome failure depends heavily on their perception of parental support. Encouraging open communication and emphasising unconditional love can lay the foundation for recovery.
And if nosey aunties or peers have something nasty to say, in the words of author Mel Robbins, “Let them”… it says more about them than you and your child.
Reframe the failure as a learning opportunity: Help your child view the failure as a temporary setback rather than a permanent barrier.
Psychologists such as Carol Dweck advocate for cultivating a growth mindset, where individuals see challenges as opportunities to improve.
Parents can: Encourage reflection by asking constructive questions such as: “What did you struggle with?” or “What can we do differently next time?”
Highlight successful individuals who have faced similar challenges, reinforcing the message that failure is not the end.
Practical steps to move forward
Once emotions are stabilised, it is time to explore the options available to the child:
- Rewrite matric
- Alternative education pathways: Institutions such as TVET (Technical and Vocational Education and Training) colleges offer practical skills training without requiring a matric certificate. Fields like plumbing, culinary arts or IT can lead to rewarding careers.
- Learnerships and apprenticeships: Many South African companies offer learnerships that combine work experience with training, providing an entry point into the job market.
- Entrepreneurship: Parents can support their child in developing a business idea, particularly if they show talent in areas like baking, design or mechanics.
And let’s not forget about the World Wide Web and social media. Explore alternative careers and maybe get your child excited about what is out there in this big wide world.
Inspiring success story
One notable example of a South African who succeeded was Dr Innocent Sirovho, who failed matric three times, finally passing it at age 21. He went on to succeed in the agricultural sector and became the CEO of AgriSETA.
An international person who didn’t get a matric equivalent and in fact left school at age 16 is Sir Richard Branson, the founder of the Virgin Group, which includes 200 companies across 30 countries.
He dropped out of school to start “Student”, an arts and culture magazine. Now 50 years on, Branson is worth more R62 billion and owns two private islands.
These two people may be outliers but it is worth noting that not everyone’s path is the same. Yes, having a matric certificate does make life easier - but failing matric does not necessarily make your child a failure or mean their life is doomed.
It could open new and better doors for them for their future. Don’t give up hope!
Professional support
Parents may also consider consulting a psychologist or career counsellor to help their child process the emotional impact of failing matric and explore alternative career paths.
Career guidance centres, such as those affiliated with Harambee Youth Employment Accelerator, can help match children with opportunities suited to their strengths.
Encourage resilience and self-belief
Finally, parents should emphasise resilience by celebrating small successes and encouraging self-belief. Remind your child that many paths lead to success and that their worth extends beyond academic achievements.
While failing matric can feel like a major setback, it is far from the end of the road. With emotional support, a focus on growth and access to the many alternative opportunities available in South Africa, parents can help their child rebuild their confidence and chart a successful path forward.
Understanding the peer pressure dynamic
Failing matric may lead to feelings of embarrassment, isolation or fear of judgment from peers who have passed.
Common challenges include:
- Stigma: The child might feel labelled as a failure.
- Comparison: Seeing peers celebrate their achievements can heighten a sense of inadequacy.
- Exclusion: Friends may unintentionally exclude them from conversations about their future plans.
Parents should normalise these feelings and help their child develop strategies to cope with these dynamics.
Teaching assertive communication
Help your child practice how to address uncomfortable situations with confidence and composure.
Examples include:
Setting boundaries: Teach them how to handle probing questions like: “Why did you fail?” by responding calmly with: “I faced some challenges but I’m working on a plan to move forward.”
Avoiding negative influences: Encourage them to limit time with peers who ridicule or judge them and instead gravitate toward supportive friends.
Reframe the narrative: Help your child shift their perspective from feeling ashamed to seeing this as a stepping stone for growth.
They can respond to peer judgment with statements that reflect accountability and optimism, such as: “It didn’t go as planned but I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to succeed.”
This approach reflects maturity and resilience, qualities that many peers will respect.
Strengthening self-worth
Children who fail matric often feel ashamed or unworthy, particularly in comparison to peers who have passed. Help your child focus on their intrinsic value rather than tying their self-worth to academic results.
Reinforce their strengths: Remind your child of qualities or talents unrelated to academics, such as creativity, resilience or interpersonal skills.
Shift the narrative: Help them see this as a temporary setback and not a reflection of their intelligence or potential.
Encourage self-compassion: Teach them to treat themselves with kindness rather than internalising criticism.
Foster open communication
Peers may ask intrusive questions or make comments that feel hurtful, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Teach your child how to respond calmly and assertively. Help them prepare neutral responses, such as:
- “It didn’t work out this time but I’m working on a new plan.”
- “Everyone’s journey is different and I’ll get there my own way.”
- Encourage them to redirect conversations toward future plans rather than dwelling on failure.
- Role-playing potential conversations with you can help your child feel more confident in social situations.
Surround them with positive influences
Peers can significantly impact how a child processes their experience. If certain friendships feel toxic or judgmental, it may be time to encourage new connections.
Suggest joining groups or activities that align with their interests, such as sports, creative workshops or volunteer programs, where they can meet people who share similar goals.
If peers are supportive, encourage your child to lean on those friendships for encouragement and camaraderie.
Teach emotional regulation
Failing matric and facing peer reactions can trigger feelings of anger, embarrassment or sadness.
Teach your child strategies to manage these emotions effectively:
Pause before reacting: Help them recognise when emotions are high and take a moment to breathe before responding.
Practice perspective-taking: Encourage them to consider that peers’ comments may come from curiosity or ignorance not malice.
Healthy outlets: Journalling, exercising or talking to trusted adults can provide an emotional release.
Share stories of resilience
Knowing that others have overcome similar challenges can inspire confidence.
Share stories of individuals who faced academic setbacks but went on to succeed, such as South African entrepreneur Richard Maponya or comedian Trevor Noah, who overcame significant struggles to achieve their goals.
Encourage professional help if needed
If your child is experiencing severe anxiety or depression about peer judgment, consider seeking support from a counsellor or psychologist.
They can provide strategies to build resilience and manage social pressure.
Focus on actionable goals
Peers are less likely to focus on failure if your child is actively pursuing new opportunities.
Whether it’s rewriting matric, enrolling in a training program or exploring alternative career paths, taking proactive steps demonstrates maturity and determination.
Encourage your child to share their plans confidently:
- “I’m rewriting a few subjects,and I’m excited about the chance to improve.”
- “I’ve enrolled in a program for graphic design, and I think it’s a great fit for me.”
Build confidence over time
Peer reactions may sting initially but with time and progress, your child will begin to feel more secure in their journey. Encourage patience and celebrate small victories, reinforcing the idea that one academic failure does not define their future.
In conclusion, navigating peer reactions is challenging but with parental guidance, self-belief, and the right strategies, your child can learn to face social situations with confidence and resilience.