sex tips, relationship advice a pregnant woman, Image: Pexels
No sex after giving birth: For many couples, this is the norm – but there are many ways to enjoy the closeness and become attracted to each other again.
Family psychologist and couples therapist Nina Grimm surveyed more than 1,000 parents on this topic for a study. Of these, 18 percent said that they had not had sex with each other for a year or more after giving birth.
Another 24.7 percent said they had last had sex within a period of several months to six months. "Almost half of the couples meet the time criterion for sexual dysfunction after the birth of a child," says Grimm, who is also the author of the book "How not to kill yourself when you are parents."
Many factors contribute to the fact that desire often disappears after giving birth. Couples should wait to have sex until the woman's lochia has subsided and any birth injuries have healed. "But sexuality can and should be more than just the in-and-out game," says the expert.
However, other issues are often on the agenda first anyway - and stress and lack of sleep also have a negative effect on libido. Physical discomfort and fear of pain are also not uncommon.
Hormonal changes also play a role. "Breastfeeding increases the release of the hormone prolactin, which makes orgasm more difficult," says the couples therapist. The level of the so-called cuddle hormone oxytocin is also increased.
Many women are therefore already "full" when it comes to the physical need for closeness. "In addition, the concentration of the hormone estrogen drops, which leads to physical changes such as vaginal dryness."
In addition, a loss of libido can also be a sign of postpartum depression, i.e. depression after giving birth. "Added to this is the psychological stress caused by the change in roles, the never-ending to-do lists and having to be available all the time," says Grimm. "That is exhausting and can inhibit desire."
But hormonal changes occur not only in women, but also in men. "Men have lower testosterone levels in the first year of having a baby," says Grimm.
As a result, they often have less ambition to seduce a woman. In addition, factors such as stress and lack of sleep affect desire not only in women, but also in men.
"Seeing his wife in a completely new role can be inhibiting for some men," says the expert. "In the best case, the birth experience leads men to appreciate the miracle that is their wife's body - and to approach it with humility and dignity."
This is what couples can do to rekindle desire after giving birth:
The journey is the destination: It helps not to try to "work towards" sex, but to focus on conscious and joyful touches - touching each other to feel the skin, to smell or taste the other person, or to kiss for the sake of the kiss and not to initiate foreplay.
"It's a small but subtle difference," says Grimm. "When the pressure is off, many people find it easier to open up and give themselves over."
Long hugs are also nice and meaningful at the same time. "After 20 seconds of hugging, we release oxytocin," says the expert. "This strengthens and nourishes our relationship - and that has a positive influence on our sexuality."
The extent to which women feel desired also plays an important role - and not in the sense of pressure and demands about when sex will finally happen again.
"But in the form of appreciation, compliments, small gestures of affection," says the couples therapist. This helps to relax in the presence of the other person - and that in turn increases desire.
"It's a big misconception that sex means coming," says Grimm. Sexuality is much more complex. "It's about appreciation, attraction, relaxation, trust, support, devotion, respect. All of that starts outside of the bed."
Also important: If your partner doesn't feel like it, you shouldn't insist on physically demanding the other person. It's much more important to ask yourself what you can do to help your partner feel like it again.
It also helps to become aware of your own sexual conditioning and to reflect on it in order to then re-evaluate it: What do I think of when I think about sex? What happens in my head?
Couples should allow themselves to meet each other playfully, joyfully and with pleasure, says Grimm. "Without aiming to achieve or deliver something. That is the basis for a new and dignified sexuality."
"There is an exciting study that describes how women feel more pleasure the more he contributes to the household," says Grimm.
If care work, i.e. housework and looking after the children, is divided more fairly, this not only creates space for women, who traditionally often take on significantly more in this area than men.
It also often leads to more mutual appreciation - and that makes you want to.
There are many and very understandable reasons why intimacy may not occur after giving birth. However, in some cases, no sex after giving birth can also be an indication that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
There are clear signs of this, says Grimm: "Even if the shared relationship is otherwise more of an ice age and no more touching, no more tenderness of any kind occurs and perhaps even a feeling of dislike or even disgust arises."
It helps if couples understand why they are lacking desire. It could be due to stress, for example, or not feeling well physically, a lack of trust or exhaustion.
Depending on what the cause is and whether a couple is happy with this situation or would like to be more physical again, there are different starting points.
"In general, it is important for a couple to consciously take time for each other in which they meet physically," says Grimm. "It doesn't have to be long and the pressure should stay outside."
Sometimes sex simply doesn't happen anymore because you haven't had sex for a long time - even sex can be completely unhealthy.
Then it helps to pull yourself together and just get started. "We are often tired, stressed and listless," says Grimm. "But it has been proven that women in particular get their appetite when they eat."
[ Via GQ Germany]
Related Topics: