The Father Wound addresses emotional scars of absent fathers in South Africa

The Parent Centre, a local non-profit, says too many families are struggling with the effects of absent or emotionally distant fathers, and a new initiative by the centre hopes to change that.

The organisation launched the Father Wound campaign on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 15, to raise awareness about the emotional and social scars left behind when fathers are not present or engaged in their children’s lives.

The initiative was started by Jonathan Hoffenberg, programme manager of the centre. He has been working with communities to address these issues in partnership with parenting centres, clinics, and schools. The programme aims to break the cycle of broken families by supporting both children and fathers.

The Parent Centre’s outreach programme facilitated by Shuaib Salie offers a fatherhood programme that aims to rebuild and strengthen the relationship between fathers and their children.

While children in the Cape Flats are raised without a father or father figure, intervention programmes such as drilling and marching sessions have been offered by Sergeant Luqmaan Adams, social and community officer of Steenberg SAPS.

Mr Hoffenberg said South Africa’s fatherhood crisis is unique in Africa.

Mr Hoffenberg said that, unlike many African countries where strong patriarchal family structures remain intact, South Africa is experiencing a serious breakdown in fatherhood.

He said that only a small number of children live with their biological fathers, with many instead growing up in single-parent households or under the care of a "social father" such as an uncle, grandfather, or another male figure.

He added that when the wrong male role model is present, it can have a lasting psychological impact on the family.

“We live in a country where men are often central to the crisis of gender-based violence, where children are growing up without their fathers, and where many men and women are struggling with the very idea of what a father should be. At the heart of this crisis is what we call the Father Wound," he said.

“The 'Father Wound' is a deep attachment trauma that can have a profound emotional impact. It reflects the negative or absent relationship we had or have with our father or father figure. It occurs not only when a child experiences their father as consistently critical, emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive, it also exists when there is no father engagement at all.”

Mr Hoffenberg said the State of South African Fathers 2024 report, which offered a data-driven look at how fatherhood in South Africa, highlighted that only about 35.6% of children live with their biological fathers.

The Parent Centre has been working specifically with fathers for the past 16 years, and it is seeing signs of the Father Wound more and more. 

“We have an exciting new pilot working with foster and adoptive parents to support and build the relationship with their non-biological children, and sometimes biological children in blended families. We planned a fatherhood component to help the dads with their journey, but so far, all the foster parents have been moms, leaving us wondering, ‘Where are the dads?’”

Mr Hoffenberg said: “Whether you grew up with no dad, a not-ideal dad, or a bad dad, it has shaped you, and without work, it shapes the kind of parent you become and the certainty that the Father Wound is perpetuated.”

Mr Salie has been running outreach programmes to build better fathers in the communities.

Fathers in areas such as New Horizon, Lotus River, Ottery, and Lavender Hill had two major factors that often contributed to fathers being absent from their children’s lives.

Mr Salie said economic pressures, such as long working hours or unemployment, can lead to fathers being physically or emotionally unavailable, and conflict in relationships,  particularly with the child’s mother or extended family, can create emotional distance, making it difficult for fathers to remain present and involved.

These challenges, he said, are often complex and rooted in broader social and economic conditions.

Mr Salie facilitates a fatherhood programme that aims to rebuild and strengthen the relationship between fathers and their children.

“The main goal is to help fathers become more engaged, supportive, and emotionally connected to their children,” he said.

The positive outcomes from the programme for fathers include improved parenting skills, increased confidence in their parental role, and stronger emotional bonds with their children.

The outcome for children, he said, is better relationships with their fathers, greater emotional stability, and a stronger sense of security.

The outcome for families includes more cohesive family units, improved communication at home and increased support and shared responsibility.

In addition to the fatherhood programme, counselling services are also offered to address trauma, emotional challenges, and relationship issues.

“These interventions are essential,” said Mr Salie, “not only for healing father-child relationships but for creating stronger, more resilient families and communities.”

While the Parent Centre focuses on educating fathers, community leader Sergeant Adams, who serves as a social and community officer, runs a Youth Drilling intervention programme that promotes discipline and social skills. This is especially important in Steenberg and surrounding areas, where the majority of children are being raised by single mothers or grandmothers in the absence of fathers.

This initiative is making a difference in the lives of at-risk pupils, who join the programme after school.

Sergeant Adams said, despite the programme’s impact, local schools continue to grapple with a rise in behavioural problems.

“Teachers report an increase in swearing, defiance, and bullying. Alcohol and drug abuse are rampant, with instances of learners selling substances to earn money for basic needs like transport.

“We caught a young boy recently selling items at school to make transport money. It's not just mischief - it’s survival,” said Sergeant Adams, who has spent over a decade training youth in discipline and leadership.”

Many pupils come from homes plagued by unemployment, substance abuse, and a lack of parental guidance.

"The problem starts at home," said Sergeant Adams. "Many of these kids have never been taught basic respect or manners. There’s no father figure. No role model.”

Sergeant Adams said that discipline through structure, not force, is the key to the way he manages his drilling programme.

“People think you need a drum to command discipline. But I use my voice,” Sergeant Adams said. “We teach them posture, coordination, and pride in appearance - chest out, stomach in, chin up. Within two weeks, they learn all the basics of marching and movement. It builds confidence.”

Beyond discipline, the programme fosters a sense of purpose, he said.

“Learners are offered uniforms, shoes, and in some cases, meals, provided through partnerships with local NGOs. Activities are expanding, with recent collaborations including Cape Flats Development Association  (CAFDA)’s School of Skills, sports tournaments in Lavender Hill, and the Lavender Hill Youth Expo,” said Sergeant Adams.

What makes the initiative particularly powerful is its emphasis on breaking the cycle of poverty and generational trauma.

“These children often repeat what their parents did. We show them there’s something better out there,” he said.

One of the highlights of the year was a drum majorette competition, where students trained through the drilling programme competed against other schools.

“It’s not just about winning. It’s about giving them an opportunity to be seen, to shine,” he said.

If you or someone you know needs support, call   021 762 0116  or email  counselling@theparentcentre.org.za or visit www.theparentcentre.org.za